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gutless

from how to talk by susie derkins

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lyrics

did i do something to scare you?
sometimes i scare myself too
were you waiting for me to go?
was there something that i should have known?

leave the room for a smoke
straighten out my clothes
fall asleep with backs turned
and let the silence form a pattern

and is it self preservation or self destruction that keeps me quiet?
am i learning from my mistakes when i learn not to talk

i was back at your house today
why was i surprised when you looked away
or when you barely said anything
humiliation is exhausting

too nice to say "no"
or "maybe you should head home"
or "we should spend some time alone"
or "i think i'm better on my own"

and is it overdramatic or overbearing to think that we had something?
am i learning what you forgot when i'm trying to talk

'cause you can't feel it in your gut if you don't have one

and is it unrealistic or unproductive to wish that i could tell you
that i'm learning what i deserve when i learn how to talk

credits

from how to talk, released November 13, 2020

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susie derkins Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

r.i.p. 2016 - 2020 <3

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