1. |
gutless
03:17
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did i do something to scare you?
sometimes i scare myself too
were you waiting for me to go?
was there something that i should have known?
leave the room for a smoke
straighten out my clothes
fall asleep with backs turned
and let the silence form a pattern
and is it self preservation or self destruction that keeps me quiet?
am i learning from my mistakes when i learn not to talk
i was back at your house today
why was i surprised when you looked away
or when you barely said anything
humiliation is exhausting
too nice to say "no"
or "maybe you should head home"
or "we should spend some time alone"
or "i think i'm better on my own"
and is it overdramatic or overbearing to think that we had something?
am i learning what you forgot when i'm trying to talk
'cause you can't feel it in your gut if you don't have one
and is it unrealistic or unproductive to wish that i could tell you
that i'm learning what i deserve when i learn how to talk
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2. |
not tired
01:39
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i could have spared myself if i knew when to quit
now i run away from all of it
i don't care about what i used to
and i am sorry if that means you
i'm no longer lucky and it's my own fault
i dug the ditch between what i want and what i got
i'm falling asleep without turning off the light
trying to make up for what i cannot find
it's morning and i called sick to work again
technically i'm not lying
clouds roll in my head
and i'm not tired but i stay in bed
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3. |
houseplants
02:36
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i bought a lamp that looks like a crystal ball
i want to see light in my future instead of nothing at all
in the light i see a house with lots of windows
but i wonder what it means that i see myself alone
i'll keep houseplants
keep them growing tall and green and flourishing
maybe one day i can learn to take care of my surroundings
i lay on the couch where my cat sharpens his claws
i wish i could sleep here all day just like he does
i could dream about hangin' out and running away from dogs
instead i sit and dream about who i wish i was
i'll keep houseplants
keep them watered like responsible people do
maybe one day i can love something without begging it to love me too
i'll keep houseplants
keep them alive and healthy and well
maybe one day i'll know how to do the same things for myself
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4. |
counting cards
03:21
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it gets better when you loosen your grip
on whatever makes your hands rough
the same feeling when i realized good
will never be good enough
i didn't know the knife was in me
until i pulled it out
and i don't know what to do with it
but i've been trying to figure it out
it gets harder to live healthy
when you're not sure what for
and starving doesn't feel good
but what does anymore
do i mean the things that i don't say
can i trust what's in my head
i'm still coughing up what i believe
after choking on what i was fed
it gets easier to stand tall
when you shed what your shoulders held
the same feeling when i realized this
isn't how it is for everyone else
and i'm sick of counting cards
and keeping track of where you are
tired from catching up
while you and your friends play dumb
soon the dust we kicked up will be done settling
and our claws will finally free from each other's skin
and we'll know better than to play games we can't win
and we'll know better than to try this again
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5. |
holes
02:13
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you look at me like i am a problem
that must be erased to be solved
i can admit that i'm built of bad habits
but still i don't know what i've done wrong at all
let down quietly, but not easy
your expectations wrapped around my throat
signals that send me in circles
until i don't know where you want me to go
i don't show you the holes in my fingers
'cause they're not something to brag about
i don't smile as much as i used to
'cause i keep dreaming that my teeth all fell out
i'm always getting myself into things that are bad
for the person i wanna be
do i have a say in what matters
do i get to pick and choose who hurts me
how do i learn to stop accepting
everything i am given
and how can you fix your own life
without feeling like such a bad friend
i don't show you the holes in my shoes
'cause i've been walking more than i want to
and i don't tell you that i'm feeling used
i think you know i've been using you too
and we're not sure if we're growing up or growing apart
is it still growing if it makes you feel this small
there are no excuses left in me
and i can't fix what i'm pretending not to see
leaving bad tastes like breadcrumbs that i forgot to track
i always leave by making sure i can never come back.
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