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how to talk

by susie derkins

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1.
gutless 03:17
did i do something to scare you? sometimes i scare myself too were you waiting for me to go? was there something that i should have known? leave the room for a smoke straighten out my clothes fall asleep with backs turned and let the silence form a pattern and is it self preservation or self destruction that keeps me quiet? am i learning from my mistakes when i learn not to talk i was back at your house today why was i surprised when you looked away or when you barely said anything humiliation is exhausting too nice to say "no" or "maybe you should head home" or "we should spend some time alone" or "i think i'm better on my own" and is it overdramatic or overbearing to think that we had something? am i learning what you forgot when i'm trying to talk 'cause you can't feel it in your gut if you don't have one and is it unrealistic or unproductive to wish that i could tell you that i'm learning what i deserve when i learn how to talk
2.
not tired 01:39
i could have spared myself if i knew when to quit now i run away from all of it i don't care about what i used to and i am sorry if that means you i'm no longer lucky and it's my own fault i dug the ditch between what i want and what i got i'm falling asleep without turning off the light trying to make up for what i cannot find it's morning and i called sick to work again technically i'm not lying clouds roll in my head and i'm not tired but i stay in bed
3.
houseplants 02:36
i bought a lamp that looks like a crystal ball i want to see light in my future instead of nothing at all in the light i see a house with lots of windows but i wonder what it means that i see myself alone i'll keep houseplants keep them growing tall and green and flourishing maybe one day i can learn to take care of my surroundings i lay on the couch where my cat sharpens his claws i wish i could sleep here all day just like he does i could dream about hangin' out and running away from dogs instead i sit and dream about who i wish i was i'll keep houseplants keep them watered like responsible people do maybe one day i can love something without begging it to love me too i'll keep houseplants keep them alive and healthy and well maybe one day i'll know how to do the same things for myself
4.
it gets better when you loosen your grip on whatever makes your hands rough the same feeling when i realized good will never be good enough i didn't know the knife was in me until i pulled it out and i don't know what to do with it but i've been trying to figure it out it gets harder to live healthy when you're not sure what for and starving doesn't feel good but what does anymore do i mean the things that i don't say can i trust what's in my head i'm still coughing up what i believe after choking on what i was fed it gets easier to stand tall when you shed what your shoulders held the same feeling when i realized this isn't how it is for everyone else and i'm sick of counting cards and keeping track of where you are tired from catching up while you and your friends play dumb soon the dust we kicked up will be done settling and our claws will finally free from each other's skin and we'll know better than to play games we can't win and we'll know better than to try this again
5.
holes 02:13
you look at me like i am a problem that must be erased to be solved i can admit that i'm built of bad habits but still i don't know what i've done wrong at all let down quietly, but not easy your expectations wrapped around my throat signals that send me in circles until i don't know where you want me to go i don't show you the holes in my fingers 'cause they're not something to brag about i don't smile as much as i used to 'cause i keep dreaming that my teeth all fell out i'm always getting myself into things that are bad for the person i wanna be do i have a say in what matters do i get to pick and choose who hurts me how do i learn to stop accepting everything i am given and how can you fix your own life without feeling like such a bad friend i don't show you the holes in my shoes 'cause i've been walking more than i want to and i don't tell you that i'm feeling used i think you know i've been using you too and we're not sure if we're growing up or growing apart is it still growing if it makes you feel this small there are no excuses left in me and i can't fix what i'm pretending not to see leaving bad tastes like breadcrumbs that i forgot to track i always leave by making sure i can never come back.

about

vox + guitar: samantha stoakes (she/her)
lead guitar: heeyoon won (they/them)
bass: james walsh (they/them)
drums: allegra eidinger (they/them)

all lyrics by samantha stoakes
all music by the band susie derkins :-)
recorded by heather jones of so big auditory
mixed and mastered by zach weeks

big thank you to alyssa rorke, allison durham, juliette rando, lucia arias, sami martasian, owen harrelson, dylan citron, shannon moore, and amy garlesky & abbie jones of slumber mag for all of the support and/or friendship you've given us over the years.

the biggest thank you of all to heeyoon, james, allegra, heather, zach - i could not have done this without you.

credits

released November 13, 2020

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susie derkins Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

music for people who are going through a lot but in a quantity-not-quality sort of way

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